dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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