I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
