I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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