Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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