Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
