I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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