i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Randomize
