Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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