You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize