Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I woke up under a house in Key West
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
