Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
