If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
