whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I want to be your penis for a week.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
