My balls are so social today.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
