here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
