she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
We left an ass print on the piano.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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