I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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