I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
send nudes
from the living room?
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
