Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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