I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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