dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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