Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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