Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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