are you so shy because you have an std?
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Randomize
