i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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