Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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