SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
