I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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