i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
