I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
