omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Just high enough for therapy.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
