My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
