I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
