hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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