if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
