College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
