??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
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