my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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