did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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