It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Randomize
