i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
