Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
