I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Randomize
