You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
