I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
They are going to name an STD after you.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
