Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
