Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
