There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Come on in and take your pants off
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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