hell yes lets make some ravioli
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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