just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
