This dress was meant to end up on your floor
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
