I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
